Monday, December 3, 2012

Redirect

Apologies for those that had to put up with my vague, emotional twitter postings yesterday. I tend to try and avoid that, but sometimes it's good to put it out there. That said, I feel like I owe everyone an explanation and update on where I am in life.

So I've got three reasons for why I'm involved in the kink community. One, I like bondage and the various fetishes that go hand in hand with that, so I like to play as much as possible. Two, I'm hoping to build the community and increase the pool of potential play mates and three, I'm hoping to find a long-term relationship with someone who's equally kinky.

That third item feels gross to write, almost desperate, but it's true. Ever since I figured out I was gay (after I figured out I was kinky), I've had this goal of finding a boyfriend that would enjoy tying me up and vice versa. Over the years that goal has expanded somewhat, especially into the sub/dom and sadomasochistic areas, but the main goal has always been there.

While the first and second goals have been fulfilled time and time again, three remains just out of reach. Which isn't to say I haven't been trying, of course. We're all well-aware of how much the gay dating scene sucks (especially in Atlanta it seems), so I won't bore you with the details. Suffice to say, it's been challenging.

Part of the challenge thus far has been my relationship with Loki. When we started out as Sir and boy 14 months ago, the idea was that it would be a mentor/mentee relationship designed to help me learn how things work. That went out the window almost immediately and quickly evolved into something more "real". The twist, however, is that Loki is married and has a husband. Luckily for me, their relationship is open and allowed Loki and I to do what we both enjoyed. Unfortunately, we had to remain as platonic as possible, the first rule was that I was always his second priority.

And, y'know, that was fine. Wearing his collar, knowing I was under his care and protection when we were out or even just together made me incredibly happy, to the point where just seeing him put me in subspace. But there wasn't the emotional connection, the person I could come home to after a long day and talk to. He wasn't someone I could go to sleep with and wake up next to in the morning (except at far-too-infrequent events). I never wanted that kind of relationship with him either, it wasn't ever in the cards.

This created a sort of void in my life, one that I tried to fill repeatedly. I opened a profile on OKCupid, I started opening Grindr more frequently (I've heard a few success stories, shutup). I started doing something I never expected to: dating. I met people, I tried new things, I made new friends. I never hid the fact that I was kinky or collared, hoping to at least fulfill goals 1 and 2. Unfortunately, the collar situation continually caused problems. I know for a fact that at least three guys were intimidated by the collar and "everything else", killing whatever chance I had with them.

Pride rolled around. A friend suggested maybe I'd have more luck if I wasn't parading around in a collar this year, maybe I'd have a better shot. For the sake of experimenting, I agreed and sought Loki's permission to do just that. He was aware of my frustrations surrounding dating and allowed me to go out collar-less. Ultimately, I don't know if it helped, but it was a relief to know that I didn't necessarily have to disclose my relationship to everyone and risk ending something prematurely. For the sake of continued experimentation, I asked Loki if I could stay uncollared while he was away on business in China for several weeks, citing the previously stated reasons.

I had a good bit of fun and definitely enjoyed myself. Not being collared opened me up to making more decisions for myself, like allowing a mutual friend to shave my head (I think it's a good look) and playing with some different people at Dominion. Loki and I discussed recollaring when he got back from China and we weren't able to find a solution that lets me present myself as a single guy while still being a collared boy.

Where does that leave us? I don't do anything normally, it seems like most things I do in life happen outside of a normal "system", including relationships. I don't think of myself as Loki's collared boy, but I don't foresee us playing any less or the power dynamic changing when we're in a scene or even at an event together. I can't help but draw parallels between this phase of our relationship and what he went through with Master Dan. It's almost as if there's a "circle of kink".

Loki is an amazing, wonderful person. If you get an opportunity to play with him, I strongly encourage anyone to take it. Never before have I had such a positive experience with anyone. A friend of mine once told me that if there's anyone I could have picked to be a submissive to, Loki was the best. That rings true even today, the lessons and experiences I've had with him have helped to positively define me as a kinkster and served as the catalyst for countless positive changes in my life.

Cliche, I know, but don't view this as the end, but instead as a new chapter in a long book. Or an entirely different book in a long series.

2 comments:

  1. “I’m shocked – SHOCKED – to find that gambling is going on here!” LOL.

    I don’t know about a circle of kink, but this does seem to be the trajectory you’ve been on since… well, at least since we talked at Snow’s birthday party, so it doesn’t come as a surprise. I hope redefining things as Mentor/mentee will free you up and help you find what you’re looking for. I think it will make a positive difference. Max and Jake just went through much the same shift. As I mentioned at Dominion, Jake wanted to date other people, so they have stayed friends (w/ benefits) but are no longer “a couple.” Hmm… maybe it’s not the circle of “kink” so much as what happens w/ relationships w/ a 13+ year age gap…

    Anyway, I’m sure if you keep at the dating game it won’t be too long before you find someone. You’re smart, good-looking, funny, not a bad kisser…

    *hugs and licks from you pack-brother*

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  2. You know, having a kinky long term, romantic relationship is not an easy thing. It is a challenge to find. I got extremely lucky with my partner, but I'd gather it's one of the reasons many couples in the kink world are open... because of the difficulty in fulfilling both requirements at once. This may be a topic I need to address in my own blog!

    I do hope you continue your search. You never know what's out there. Ultimately, I met my partner on a vanilla dating site, and then just discovered by chance he was kinky. Life can surprise you!

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